Your challenging Adult “Child”

It’s so hard when they’re being mean. Blowing up your phone. F bombs. Manipulating. Mocking you.

It’s even harder when they ghost you. Leave you on read. Or worse, unread. When you haven’t talked in weeks.

There is a particular misalignment of the planets when your child rejects you, hates you, disappears from your life.

And oh the glorious relief when they come back! With a friendly emoji, a picture of their dog, a tentative thawing.

But never an apology or acknowledgment of wrongdoing. No nod to your suffering, the chaos and hurt they created.

You welcome them back with open arms. Accept their crumbs. Brush away misgivings. It’s so good to be back!

This is an abusive relationship. 

It’s bad for you. Importantly, it’s bad for them too.

Here’s what you’ll say though: usual boundaries don’t apply to your unique situation. You can’t abandon your child. They have no one else. They might hurt themselves without you. They’ve threatened suicide. You’re the only one who truly gets them.

You’ll also say it’s impossible for an outsider to understand how uniquely special and wonderful when it’s wonderful the relationship is. Your child can be sweet, loving, insightful and beautifully tenderhearted at times. And with your compassionate Mom/Dad heart you see the vulnerability and anxiety underlying all their aggressive awful behavior.

But stop right there.

You are not abandoning them by taking care of yourself and insisting on being treated appropriately. You are not helping them by training them that it is acceptable to abuse those they are close to. They are not learning distress tolerance by simply depositing their distress into you as you continue to let them.

You have the power to change that. You can not change them. But you can change your part in the dynamic.

Love yourself enough to stop tolerating abuse. Continue the important work of being a parent by teaching them they can’t abuse people they love. Love them and care for them, but not at the expense of caring for yourself.

It’s so hard. Hang in there

When your person dies, but you’re still Here

They died. They died!

Your mind will whisper it, scream it, remind you of it in the middle of a perfectly good moment. Unbidden, it will arise and punch you in the gut. They died. 

But I didn’t, you have to say back, sometimes. 

I’m alive. 

I’m still here. They died. But I’m alive.

That separation is so painful. You are in different places. For now.

And for now, the place you’re in involves living. Being alive.

Being present for beauty. And laughter. And sunshine. And connection. 

Flowers. Dogs. Music. Food. 

Your loved one wants you to be as fully alive as you can be in any given moment.

They wish they were here with you.

But you don’t serve them by constantly trudging back into the harsh reality that they aren’t.

Be alive today. You are. It’s a gift. Live it. 

safety

March can be a cruel season. The alternating bleak vs beautiful weather, the vagaries of college basketball, and of course, the end of the college admissions cycle. Are you a parent still sweating it out to see if your child is offered the magical move off the Waitlist into the Admitted pool? Or are all the doors closed and your child is irrevocably heading to their dreaded "Safety"? 

Providing safety was once your highest calling as a parent. Safety! There was nothing more you wanted for them. But in this season, the word can become perverted. It can feel like a sickening awful fate worse than death. 

But here is a reality check. College admissions is a game. It is unfair, weighted heavily towards the privileged, and has scant little to do with the character and capacity of your particular child. That holds whether your child was admitted to their first choice, or to their "safety".  

And remember, your child applied to their safety for a reason. It was a good enough school to be on their list. Schools are interchangeable in so many ways and if the names on the sweatshirts paraded about campus were switched, would your child really experientially differentiate Ivy U from University of State school? Wouldn't both places feature bright talented kids, excellent committed professors, dorm life, parties/sports/extracurriculars/ a rich environment to make the developmental transition from kid to young adult? 

Why does the prestige factor matter so much? Is it about your kid, or you? You may say and it is probably somewhat true that elite universities can open more doors to their students, through the same network of privilege and connections that got many kids there in the first place. But is it also true that it is 100% entirely possible to be wildly successful, happy, fulfilled, and achieve one's goals and potential without four years at one of those places? Yes! Emphatically so.

My office is about equidistant from a "top tier" private university and a similarly "top tier" public university. I see students from both schools. They are far more similar than they are different. The ones that want one to get a top-notch education, are. The ones who are hard-workers and aspire to an ambitious, bright future are headed there. The ones from both schools who are too weighted down by anxiety, depression, eating disorders, executive function difficulties, or the state of the world, are not flourishing. There are bright shiny stars and lost souls at both places. 

Seeing your child sad is incredibly painful. They worked so hard in high school and it can feel crushing that they didn't get what they wanted and maybe even deserved. But isn't this a teachable moment? As one of the many times on the path of life that hard work and being a good person might not pay off, a moment that calls for resilience and perspective? 

It is  understandably easy to get caught up in the game as a parent - to catastrophize, compare, fret, and despair. But please, stop. It's not good for you, and it's really not good for them. Your young person is seeing your disappointment and upset. It can make them feel like THEY are a disappointment. If they have been chronically high achieving superstars up to now, this may be a shameful moment for them. They may be looking to you for reassurance that it's ok, that they are still superstars in your book, that you believe their "Safety" has exciting potential and just might work out. They need to feel that you are proud, hopeful, and believe in them. Let it be so. 

Body COmments?

What should you say to your returning college kids about their bodies? They are coming home for Thanksgiving and may be bigger, smaller, different than when you dropped them off in August. Their eating habits may have changed. Should you comment? Probably not. It goes without saying that negative comments about weight gain are unhelpful. But even the message intended as a compliment, "you look great! you've lost so much weight!", can inadvertently reinforce eating disorder behavior. Also remember, bodies are intensely personal. Your child may be choosing to live in a body that is different than when he/she was at home, that is bigger/smaller than the family norm. That can be ok. Have their favorite foods available, cook to your heart's content, and don't be overly worried about their over/under eating. They are stressed and exhausted and in the middle of figuring themselves out in many developmental paths including their eating and appearance. However, if you are noticing possible eating disorder behaviors, observe and be curious and use this good resource for checking out your concerns: https://crcfored.com/eating-disorders-101/

Suffering Is Optional

Life is hard enough.  Conflict, sadness, and disconnection abound; why create more? Yet created suffering is the bread and butter of many relationships. It’s important to remember that engaging with the carefully curated laundry list of disappointments, ways our needs weren’t meet, how we were wronged, etc. is actually  . .  . Optional! Instead of withdrawing, punishing, coming to your partner with criticism (which you will couch as “just expressing my feelings!”), how about putting all that aside for a moment?

For fairness sake, look at the things that you contributed to the current struggle. And whether you would be ok with your partner having such a large reaction to your mistakes and foibles.

Detach from the contempt and score-keeping and tune into what’s good. What they got right. What you take for granted. Consider for a moment what your life would be like without your person. Decide whether their “wrongdoing” is as bad as you are making it in your mind or if it’s just them being human? By the way, all of this also applies to the situation in which you are being unforgiving and mean to yourself. No need to create suffering for yourself or inside your relationship. Let things go. Lean into gratitude instead.

Dear College students

Dear College Students,

I’m sorry you’re struggling. College is hard. There is a ton of work, you’re living on your own in a tiny room with a stranger, you feel lonely and anxious. You have too much to do and you often feel like crying (if only you had some privacy). Maybe you’ve procrastinated or mis-managed your time and now you’re behind and question whether you’ll ever be able to catch up. I know you feel overwhelmed and maybe even hopeless.

Try this: Do your laundry. Pick up your room. Brush your teeth. Go outside. Find a dog to pet. Eat a real meal, not a snack. Call your parents, or a friend or sibling and get some love. Then get down to work. You can do this.

And most of all, please understand: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are in the midst of a truly universal experience. You have inaccurate comparisons to everyone around you who you mistakenly assume is killing it. Many of your fellow students are actually just as insecure and discouraged as you are. Almost anyone who has gone to college has experienced the blues, gotten behind, pulled at least one all-nighter, and been in the same grubby, weary, tearful space you are. It’s just part of the experience. College is hard. (And also fun, interesting, and a huge growth experience).

You will get through this. For now, focus on small manageable goals and take loving care of yourself.  

advice to NEw parents

When my youngest went off to college, I mooned around the house looking at the neatly made beds in empty bedrooms, the bulletin boards of childhood triumphs, the pictures on the refrigerator of toddlers on shoulders, and long-ago Halloweens. I mourned the phase of my life that was irrevocably over. I cried. A lot. But here was the place of solace I finally landed: I had been (mostly) so vitally present and awake during my kids’ childhoods. Dozens of times as beautiful, funny, or profane moments transpired, I reminded myself “be here now”, drink this in; it won’t last forever. I had the good fortune to parent little kids in the time before cell phones. On playgrounds, at parks, walking, reading, I was just with them, no distractions. I am immensely grateful for that. Mary Oliver says these are the instructions for life: “Pay attention, be astonished, talk about it”.  Once you’re paying attention, the other two parts come easily. Do yourself a favor: Be present. Pay attention.