SOUL BALM for WHEN YOUR PERSON DIES
You know those people?
The ones who said “we’ll have you over all the time!” They won’t.
The ones who said “we’ll always remember your person - and you”. They won’t.
The ones who tried to stop being narcissistic, and actually be there for you. They won’t.
The ones who said “let us know if you need anything” expecting you to reach out. They won’t.
The ones on Caring Bridge who said “we got you!” They don’t.
But, more importantly, you know who does?
Your loved one. Your person.
Your beloved who is no longer on this mortal coil, no longer a physical presence in your life.
The one who is deeply embedded in your very cells, who dwells right under your skin, and will always be a part of you.
Your person adored you. They won’t leave you.
They don’t think it’s time to move on. To do your grief differently, be less sad. They don’t feel awkward with you.
They know sometimes you need to cry and cry and cry. They don’t need you to be any different than how you are in this moment.
But they also want you to be happy. To be ok. They like it when you have respite from the grief.
They are glad you are here, trying to find words of comfort, seeking fellow travelers on the path.
Forget all the other people. They mean well. They’re just being human.
But look to your loved one for solace however you want, for as long as you want, maybe forever.
08/31/22
IT WILL BE OK (saying goodbye to your college student)
It’s the sad season. The saying goodbye time. The letting go phase.
As the college freshman head out and the tears are shed and the sobs suppressed, please know that all will be ok. They will be ok. You will be ok.
Their childhoods were wonderful (and occasionally terrible if we’re being honest), and yes it is almost unendurably poignant to have all those moments in the rear-view mirror. But it’s ok. Your relationship with them is not over. They are separating, individuating, and their absence will leave a huge hole in your heart. But it’s going to be ok. When you walk past their empty rooms, cry on their neatly made beds, gaze longingly at your phone for the texts that don’t come, soothe yourself with this knowledge: All your parenting, support, encouragement, confrontation, tough love, and unconditional love have planted seeds that have deep if sometimes invisible roots. Their connection to you will be much less visible and felt in the coming months, but it’s still there. Deeply.
And when they do call or text and they hate it, have never been lonelier, when their weeping threatens to break your heart in two, please know they will be ok. It will be ok. They are crying out for help because you are their safe place and they can depend on you. You will help them and they will be ok.
I love this beautiful song by Joy Oladokun - “if you got a problem, I’ve got a problem too”. Help them solve their problems, but more importantly, empower them, let them go, and say/try to believe IT WILL BE OK.