Your challenging Adult “Child”

It’s so hard when they’re being mean. Blowing up your phone. F bombs. Manipulating. Mocking you.

It’s even harder when they ghost you. Leave you on read. Or worse, unread. When you haven’t talked in weeks.

There is a particular misalignment of the planets when your child rejects you, hates you, disappears from your life.

And oh the glorious relief when they come back! With a friendly emoji, a picture of their dog, a tentative thawing.

But never an apology or acknowledgment of wrongdoing. No nod to your suffering, the chaos and hurt they created.

You welcome them back with open arms. Accept their crumbs. Brush away misgivings. It’s so good to be back!

This is an abusive relationship. 

It’s bad for you. Importantly, it’s bad for them too.

Here’s what you’ll say though: usual boundaries don’t apply to your unique situation. You can’t abandon your child. They have no one else. They might hurt themselves without you. They’ve threatened suicide. You’re the only one who truly gets them.

You’ll also say it’s impossible for an outsider to understand how uniquely special and wonderful when it’s wonderful the relationship is. Your child can be sweet, loving, insightful and beautifully tenderhearted at times. And with your compassionate Mom/Dad heart you see the vulnerability and anxiety underlying all their aggressive awful behavior.

But stop right there.

You are not abandoning them by taking care of yourself and insisting on being treated appropriately. You are not helping them by training them that it is acceptable to abuse those they are close to. They are not learning distress tolerance by simply depositing their distress into you as you continue to let them.

You have the power to change that. You can not change them. But you can change your part in the dynamic.

Love yourself enough to stop tolerating abuse. Continue the important work of being a parent by teaching them they can’t abuse people they love. Love them and care for them, but not at the expense of caring for yourself.

It’s so hard. Hang in there